A Personal Reflection on the Power of Presence
By Had Walmer | Featured Story
"In darkness we find the light, then share this light with others." — Henry Wittenberg
I know brain injury from the inside. I speak from personal experience—not from textbooks or secondhand observations, but from the reality of living it every day for over four decades.
In 1977, I was in a serious car accident. The Jaws-of-Life were required to free me from our crashed vehicle. I suffered a skull fracture and was in a coma for two weeks. My brain swelled instantly within my skull, and when I came to, I woke up with severe traumatic brain injury (TBI), amnesia, and diplopia (double-vision).
In an instant, I was not who I used to be.
Since then, I've lived my life with the many challenges of TBI. It's an invisible disability—not easily visible like a wheelchair or crutches. People often couldn't see what I was going through on the inside.
Brain injury is an injury to a complex organ. TBI is often misdiagnosed and thus poorly treated. In top-of-the-line, expensive rehabilitation programs, I was taught "compensatory coping strategies" for the "cognitive deficits" of my brain injury. These strategies were well-intentioned rehab, but they fell seriously short of actually addressing my own innate well-being. They were not sustainable.
Brain injury has a wide array of symptoms, different for each survivor, felt and known profoundly from within. My friend, an occupational therapist, pointed out that these struggles were the direct result of my TBI—and that I could take action for my own rehabilitation. I could do rehab myself.
I struggled to complete my university degree and to get on with my new life. I graduated, but within a few years experienced frustrating failures—successive loss of jobs. Often my mind was cloudy, and I was very unsure of what I could do or be.
Doing nothing would have meant repeated and recurring frustrations. With encouragement from my wife and family, I learned the necessary transformation for myself.
Ten years after my accident, I discovered insight meditation and the practice of mindfulness. I sat with Jack Kornfield at Spirit Rock Dharma Center. I was highly motivated, and quickly discovered that I could cultivate qualities of calm and awareness that helped me in my life.
From doing meditation regularly, I've learned to sift gold—possibilities—from the gravel of my life experience, finding meaning, value, and purpose that are real.
This is why I call this work "Gold Mind." Just as gold miners pan through endless gravel to find precious nuggets, meditation has taught me to find what's valuable amid the challenges. The gold was always there. I just needed to learn how to find it.
Mindfulness meditation—what I call the Gold Mind Meditation Project—has the purpose of helping you awaken your relationship with brain injury and actually thrive. Awakening through the power of mindfulness means bringing focused attention to what you perceive in each present moment. Budget time for this and simply be. This is housekeeping for your mind.
I discovered greater skill at emotional regulation. I was able to handle the stresses and complexities of relationships and daily life more effectively. Regular meditation practice enhanced my life with focus, satisfaction, more clarity, and authentic smiles.
We can't stop the waves of life, but you can learn to surf. Really!
I have worked successfully in sales for 8 years. Now I volunteer—both baking and selling at Sarah Bellum's Nonprofit Bakery in Portland. I love my work.
There can be light at the end of the tunnel for each survivor, family member, caretaker, and
friend. I am choosing to live my life intentionally and more skillfully, making peace with this
malady and finding the healing I need.
You can too. Your Being isn't broken.
This is the start of a new path. Come learn with me. It's time for Gold mining!
I am sharing what I've found in my own life experience to be a powerful healing practice that can work for you. It's a possibility that awakens, comes to fruition, and lasts.
I've been practicing and studying mindfulness for 40 years. I bring decades of practice and study of the Buddhist roots of mindfulness meditation to enrich this sharing of ancient practices with the world of TBI.
I know the suffering of brain injury from the inside. I hope I can serve as an inspiration to others on their own healing journey.